Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
You Might Also Like
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
A great first step 😂
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.