Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.