Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
You Might Also Like
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Leonardo DiCaprisun
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”