Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂


I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.


someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house


My LonelyFans: I’m so desperate for friends it’s free to join but you have to pay an exorbitant fee to unsubscribe.


*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”345264325499428865″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”125″;s:5:”tweet”;s:125:”My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.


ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”