Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant