I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.