When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.
You Might Also Like
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant