@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

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@Adar79Angie

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@WetMascara

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@Adityaneut01

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@boring_as_heck

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

@Rollmaninoz

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant