@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

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@Trisarahjtops

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

@ThugRaccoons

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

@kimtopher22

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

@XplodingUnicorn

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

@PaperWash

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

@Tmoney68

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

@ahamedweinberg

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@TylerLinkin

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.