Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.
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I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
NVM no egg
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.