Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.