Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.

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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁


I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.


[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?


Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.


friendly reminder that it is a sin to not be bisexual. the bible says adam and eve not adam or eve.


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.


Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.


I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.