@Bearslietoo

Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.

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@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

@JanuaryJames

I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@CelebrityChez

Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don’t like.

@hallebaileys

friendly reminder that it is a sin to not be bisexual. the bible says adam and eve not adam or eve.

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@MaybePileJokes

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

@senderblock23

Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.

@Shade510

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.