If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
plums roundup
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory