@Bearslietoo: Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don't think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
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@alexlumaga: *First Passover* The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs Me: Like a gyro? The Lord: Not exactly… Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
@DanielAda1960: Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.
@JB4Realz: [PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"
@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT