@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

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@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

@ronnui_

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

@coffeeandvinyl1

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

@UncleDuke1969

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@Kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.