*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
You Might Also Like
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling