Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”


*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?


Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”


Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.


Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong