Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Every photo I’m tagged in
THIS HEADLINE
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?