*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one