@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

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@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

@Steelers1972

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@crunchenhanced

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

@tsm560

I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@Danny_McH2O

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one