Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I think this should do it.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Every haunted house movie: