Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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No-one: I can hear screaming
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.