Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.
Shit. It’s empty.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL