@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

You Might Also Like

@BoomBoomBetty

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

@KoKeniSasquatch

My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.

@momsense_ensues

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

@sandjoeman

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

@skittle624

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

@pixelatedboat

Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?

@armyVet1972

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

@dafloydsta

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@graceful_asfuck

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL