@roadsidephil: Saw a "Toby Keith's I Love This Bar" that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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@QueenofSparta: Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody's watching us? Him: No NSA agent: No
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
@Fred_Delicious: Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion: - Has six legs - Fewer people want to pet it - Responds to popular scorpion names like 'Maurice' or 'Steve' - Has a tail made of ouch
@seamussaid: being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can't drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system