@IcyAndSpicy

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

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@seamusmckracken

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

@GrantTanaka

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

@AbbyHasIssues

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

@heyitsJudeD

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

@joeljeffrey

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

@david8hughes

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

@LostFelicia

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

@ObscureGent

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct