Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I can also cook 😂
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I know this now 😂
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*