Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair


Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?


Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.


Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


[backstage at GOP debate]
AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair.
CAT: I’m puking as fast as I can.