Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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This is a bad sign
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?