The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
6: Nevermind, Siri…
16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.
Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships