@mrjohntofu

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

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@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

@Staggfilms

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed

@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@thedadvocate01

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

@JuanLikeHell

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

@AndyRichter

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche