Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Not helping
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.