Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people