Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Mission: Impossible
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off