Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky