Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You Might Also Like
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap