@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

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@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@drborishabit

when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”

@madcaplaughs30

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@PuckingItUp

Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

@Sanbel11

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?