Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
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*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
when someone is like “you’re a digital artist right? could you make me a logo?” and you’re like “no I’m not a graphic designer” and they’re like “I’ll give you $400” and you’re like “okay fine I’m a graphic designer but just for tonight”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?