Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
This could be us but you eatin’
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.