Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
You Might Also Like
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
need him
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back