Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I need this for my side hustle.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.