Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough