Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it