trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• 47 wise guys
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Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
7: Empire Strikes Back?
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[first day as a librarian]
customer: i can’t find the fiction section
me: i renamed it
that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?