Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”


Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.


Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no


[first day as a librarian]

customer: i can’t find the fiction section

me: i renamed it

customer: what

me: lies


that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup


You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.


*After roommate performs a summoning spell*







Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites


Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?


Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?