Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

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I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet


Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se


Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.


Friend: *passes me her newborn baby*

Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?


I accept your apology.

Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.


Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.


Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”