@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

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@jake_lach

I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@Poutymcgee

Friend: *passes me her newborn baby*

Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?

@AndDesist

I accept your apology.

Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.

@bazecraze

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@AYYSIAN

Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”