Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Donât drive me crazy⊠unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*posts âGlitter is my favorite colorâ*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isnât a color*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you đȘ
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
sure recipes like âmarry me chickenâ are cute but whereâs the âitâs your turn to clean the bathroom casseroleâ
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home whatâs the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, âDaddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!â
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. đ
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum