saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
When someone says you are so lazy
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A short story about romance.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh