saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Sign at work today
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on