saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
yeet
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
inside you are two wolves
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.