@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

@emoelwoods

My ex used to send me unsolicited nudes all the time. But now my new boyfriend always ask my dad for permission before he sends them, and he sends them to my mom too. Ladies, do not settle, your time will come and you will find the right man

@realHamOnWry

You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.

@_youhadonejob1

When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.

@64spoons

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

@stupidoldandy

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

@Sean_Burgundy_

Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*