Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.