You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
[jesus whistles innocently]
comic about CROWDSURFIN
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime