@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

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@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@Carbosly

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

@notacroc

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

@ConcernedMom420

Being dark skinned is a CHOICE. In just a few years, through prayer, celebrity Beyonce is almost completely white. You can change too.

@Swain_Train47

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

@jonnysun

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

@Elizasoul80

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.