Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

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You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.


Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?


cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”

[jesus whistles innocently]


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”


Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.


My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime