@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

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@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

@juliussharpe

Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

@_SingleBabyMama

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@UnFitz

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@LostFelicia

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.