@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

You Might Also Like

@Divergentmama

Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

@laurenreeves

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

@sofarrsogud

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline