Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.
Me: oh yeah?
Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?
Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.
Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline