Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My inexpensive home security system…
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.