Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.


My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”


Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.


If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.


Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.


I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.