I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.