Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.


It was me.

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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.


me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.


Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out