@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

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@CurlsOnGirls

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@trumpetcake

MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.

@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@tanklesbian

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out