@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

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@SteveSuckington

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@LlamaInaTux

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

@GuyConfused

No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@pleatedjeans

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.