Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”


The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.


Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph


No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.


[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are


*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]



I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.


Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail


before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother


Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.