Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Story of my life…..
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?