bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When someone trying to leave me
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Florida be like…
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants