@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

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@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@TheSharona06

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

@HomeWithPeanut

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

@pleatedjeans

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

@gavinpivott

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.