teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?
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Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream