@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

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@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@CaptOblivious1

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@SnarkyMommy78

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream