Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
@ candidates for local office
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Sorry not sorry.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.