Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.