as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho
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5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
waiter: can i show you to the table
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas