Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen