Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho

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as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died


waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]


Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.


Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.


The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.


ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok


dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok