My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.