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@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

@ToxicProbably

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

@KattsDogma

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@SketchesbyBoze

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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