We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?