I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I bet
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm