My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue