1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
Say it ain’t so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe
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Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
GUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.