@TVsCarlKinsella

Say it ain’t so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe

You Might Also Like

@radtoria

1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

@karanbirtinna

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

@GreenishDuck

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

@AndyRichter

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

@LindaInDisguise

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@AngryRaccoon2

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.