Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
titanic
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*