@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

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@_ElvishPresley_

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@GrowlyGrego

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

@lolajxx

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

@CornOnTheGoblin

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@gothicaseas

Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.

@MarkTConard

Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.

@minkpinkustink

look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one