Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.