[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You Might Also Like
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.
Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one