@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@hollyshortall

No quarantine has all five:

– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– pasta
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi

@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@RealSugarFree

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@LeBearGirdle

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?