“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
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half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
nice haircut what did you do ask him for a nice haircut & he said “no”