What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You Might Also Like
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.