Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Not today, today.
Not today.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?